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Bailey, Frost & Myrrh present

Business As Usual
Episode 2: Staple It Shut!

Like sand in the Vaseline, so is a day in the life of the folks at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh. In today’s episode of Business as Usual, Dale smells a rat.

“What the?!”

Dale squeezes his stapler at a perfect forty-five degree angle eleven times into the corner of his “How to Improve Efficiency” report. While it would almost always be a case of operator error with Dale, this time he was in the clear.

Today’s Cast Includes:

  • DaleDALE FRENCH
    Assistant Manager
  • MollyMOLLY HOBBY
    Administrative Assistant
  • RandallRANDALL
    Mailroom
  • larryLARRY
    Purchasing Manager
  • GregGREG
    Lead Salesperson
  • dougDOUG
    Lead Computer Specialist
  • BrendaBRENDA
    Customer Service

Dale

DALE
“Who the hell stole my staples?”

Molly

MOLLY
“Nobody stole your staples, Dale.”

Dale

DALE
“Oh yes they did, Molly!”

“May I have your attention please,” announces Dale. “If the person who stole my staples would please come forward, I promise I will deal with you mercifully.” A barely audible but all encompassing laughter emanates from each of the surrounding cubicles, infuriating Dale further.

Dale

DALE
“Alright! I’m going to count to…”

Randall

RANDALL
“Shut your cookie hole, Dale! You can borrow some of mine.”

Dale

DALE
“Ugh! These have four-millimeter staple legs.”

Randall

RANDALL
“And that means…what?”

Dale

DALE
“It means that they’re too damn small! I need seven-millimeter staple legs for my efficiency reports! They’re too thick for those puny four-millimeter jokes.”

Larry

LARRY
“Well maybe you should be more efficient with your efficiency reports, Dale.”

Molly

MOLLY
“I might have some bigger staples in my drawer.”

Dale

DALE
“What kind?”

Molly

MOLLY
“Staple King staples.”

Dale

DALE
“Molly, they won’t fit my Springfield Stapler.”

Larry

LARRY
“Staple Kings won’t sit snuggly in a Springfield Stapler?”

Molly

MOLLY
“I don’t understand why they wouldn’t fit.”

Dale

DALE
“Molly! Staples aren’t staples! They have different widths and lengths and girths!”

Larry

LARRY
“Girths?”

Dale

DALE
“Larry!”

Greg

GREG
“What’d I miss?”

Randall

RANDALL
“Dale’s crying like a wuss over not having any staples.”

Greg

GREG
“Well why not just go buy some yourself?”

Dale

DALE
“Buy our own? Are you freaking kidding me?!”

Greg

GREG
“Whoa there, Dalester. No need to get your undies in a fist. Just order some through Brenda.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“I don’t have time for that. And besides, do you know how long it takes to get anything done around here? First, I take time out of my exceptionally busy schedule to write the purchase order. Then that P.O. goes to Molly, where it usually dies an unnaturally slow death underneath that pile of garbage on her desk. Then if by some miracle she actually gets it to Larry in accounting, he’s gotta get it to Randy who does God knows what with it. Then he passes it to Doug in I.T. who turns the paper into an electronic form, which then gets sent to the boss, who has to send it to corporate for approval before it lands back in my inbox to place the order.”

The entire office is in stunned silence, mouths open. It is literally the most Brenda has said at one time in five years. As stunned as anyone, Doug, the antagonistic jackhead ruler of the I.T. department, walks into the room in time to catch the last twenty seconds of Brenda’s diatribe.

Doug

DOUG
“You know, it doesn’t have to be nearly as complicated as this.”

Molly

MOLLY
“What do you mean, Doug?”

Doug

DOUG
“With HighOrbit, we could have an efficient, even automated process in place. Once we have a plan to streamline purchasing, like maybe from Brenda to Molly to Larry to Dale, we can easily set up a system to make getting pens or paper or any office supplies a snap.”

Dale

DALE
“How big a snap?”

Doug

DOUG
“Say someone needs folders or jump drives. They see Brenda who creates a P.O. She sends it to Molly, and Molly sends it on to Larry if she wants to keep her job. Larry gets it and makes sure there’s enough money in the account before sending it to you, Dale. Now I know you usually like to get approval from corporate to wipe, so you’d think about sending it to them. But all they’re gonna say is, ‘Sure, buy your paper and pens, and quit bothering us with this penny-ante crap,’ which then gives us the opportunity to automate it even further. So the next time you run out of paper clips..”

Dale

DALE
“Or staples…”

Doug

DOUG
“Or whatever, we can even set up a process to where a purchase order gets automatically generated when your stock drops below, maybe, twenty-five percent.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“Automatically creates a purchase order?”

Doug

DOUG
“Yup.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“Does that mean less work for me?”

Doug

DOUG
“Probably, and a HighOrbit process even alerts the person if they have a task to complete and haven’t done it yet… like literally everything we send to Molly.”

Molly

MOLLY
“Hey! That hurts!”

Doug

DOUG
“And it also lets management know if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to be doing.”

Almost everyone looks down at his or her shoes. Not being able to see around him, Randy pointed his finger accusatorially at a plant in the corner.

Dale

DALE
“I love it! Larry, I’m putting you in charge of this. Make it happen!”

Larry

LARRY
“You got it, Dale! You got it! Let me just grab a pen to write this down.”

Larry opens up his desk drawer to dig for his pen, currently buried under the seventeen boxes of staples he’s been slowly pilfering from Dale over the past five months.